Riding the waves

What are we focusing on?

Tue, 18 Jul 2023 13:03:34 GMT

Car crashes and forced apologies

I use the example of a car crash often when I describe a child who may have just engaged in a behaviour considered challenging. At that crisis moment, the fault of the accident, the lessons to be learnt, the consequences or fallout from what occurred, the costs involved in repairing the vehicle, all of these, in that moment in time, are not of concern. In that moment and the moment after, the wellbeing of those involved is what matters. When a child engages in a challenging behaviour, if we could see that child as someone in crisis, as someone needing attunement and safety, we move toward a place of co-regulation with that child. As a parent of a child who has a history of challenging behaviours, I can say this is much easier said than done. I too fall into the habit of making my child apologise in that moment of dysregulation and heightened emotion. I caught myself doing it earlier today. And while it may save face with parents nearby, my child is being compliant with his apology because to him, in that moment of dysregulation when his pre-frontal cortex is disengaged, the words coming out of my mouth do not make it past his little ears. Going back to the car crash, I wouldn't imagine making someone apologise in that moment of high emotion and high stress. If you know your child, I would like to give you permission to kindly refuse to care what other people think and just focus on being with and calming your child. Save the teaching, the apologies, the explaining for another time, after the car crash. Lets meet our children where they are at in this moment and just choose to love them.

Icebergs and reframing

Mon, 10 Jul 2023 00:34:16 GMT

What lies beneath...

Sometimes, even with our best intentions, we set out to fix our children. We see them and their behaviour as the problem. We label their behaviour and set out to change them, to teach them a better way, to teach them right from wrong.

What if I told you the fixing, the teaching, the changing has to start with us? The parents. The carers. The adults in their lives.

If we can reframe what we are seeing in our children as their brain and body's adaptive response, in other words not as an intentional, purposeful negative action to "hurt" or to "be mean" or "disrespectful", so many of the labels we often hear attached to children with behaviours that might be challenging...If we can do this, we can begin to see the human behind the behaviour, we begin to see what the behaviour is telling us about what that human is experiencing and what is happening for them and to them in their world.

We often talk about the iceberg and the tip of the iceberg being the behavior you may see. If we can upack what is going on beneath the surface, we can see that in that moment, for that child, that specific behaviour, whether it be hitting, pushing, and so on, is the only possible outcome for that child at that time.

If we can support the needs of the child that lie under the surface, and work to really meet those needs, focusing on improving that child's quality of life, what we see as the tip of the iceberg will start to look different.

Dig deep

Mon, 03 Jul 2023 04:10:42 GMT

What really matters

Thinking, oh no, not again. Remembering what to do. Fighting back the urge to scream, to tell off, to punish the two little hands that just hit, that just bit, that just hurt. More as misplaced retaliation for how I now know I look in everyone’s eyes. All the eyes on me, I think. The whispers heard from inside their heads. The judgement made in the milliseconds after it happened. All of it feels, in that moment, like hot black mud, thrown then caked on me like sludge. I am heavy. I can’t think. I can’t feel. But I must remember what to do. To breathe. To be there for him because he doesn’t know. To love him. When I am dripping in looks and gasps. Id run if I could. I’d hide. But I don’t. I stay. I will be an example. I will be what he needs. I will be understanding, as much as I can. And so I keep my eyes on my child. On the cold sand I am now digging in in hopes it soothes him. And as I do it, it seems to soothe me a little too. And we both keep breathing. In those moments, even though it doesn’t feel easier for me, maybe I’m getting better at helping it to all feel just a little bit easier for him. And that is enough.

When you find yourself in a washing machine...

looka_production_124505781 — Sat, 01 Jul 2023 09:34:23 GMT

A million miles and sleepless nights

The thing no one prepares you for is how two little feet and two little hands become the gravitational pull of every facet of your life.

From your health, to your job, to your relationships, to literally everything. My son was the vacuum that pulled my life out of orbit and catapulted it into a different universe where it felt like no one spoke our language and where he was determined to upend everyone and everything we came across. Even now, in this spinning, upside down world I sometimes find myself, sitting in the middle of a store with my flat gentle hand on the back of a little boy whilst he is telling me to "Fuck off" or wiping the dirt off of my face outside of a supermarket after I've just been pelted by the pile of stones on the floor because he was dysregulated and I missed the warning signs.

But underneath all of it, a force of life that unbeknownst to the small body that houses it is the greatest single thing to ever happen to me. End of sentence. Full stop. I have not slept properly since before he was born. I never made up the sleep debt from the 800 days of him waking some 10 times per night. I look older than I am now, and that is okay.

I am many things...a behaviour support person, a mum to a son that engages in challenging behaviours on some days. But what I am not is someone who has given up on him or understanding and advocating for children like him. The misunderstood ones . The ones called "naughty" or "bad ". I am their biggest cheerleader because I know, with all my heart (and brain from doing lot of studying on the topic), that these little souls do not wake up wanting to hurt, to hit, to scratch, to bite. They wake up wanting to feel love, to show love, and to share love. They wake up wanting to rule the world and to be the best version of themselves they can be. I also know that their parents have to go through some of the hardest moments imaginable. And its often behind closed doors and then sometimes on the floor in the middle of a shopping centre with people all around but never feeling so alone.

Parents and carers, yes, I see you. And although I will never truly understand your situation, I would like to try. Because your story is important. Because you are not alone.

Say it outloud "I am amazing. I am doing one hell of an amazing job!" because you are, even when no one tells you and even when you've shouted and even when you've lost your cool. No one knows how freaking exhausting it is so I would like to tell you- it's okay, forgive yourself. It's okay. You are loved.